So I was thinking of a funny thing I could write. I was sitting in my room watching Mythbusters with my wife and I asked her “honey what would be a funny top ten list I could write?” To which she responded “top ten ways to piss your wife off” So I got up and here I sit.
10. Reminding her that you work 12 long hard hours at work (actually only 8 hours with maybe 2 of them actually being work)
Reason I do it: My wife is currently not working so when I get home from work and see her laying in a robe watching t.v. I make sure to remind her of this fact.
Reason it pisses her off: She knows you don’t do JACK at work but she also knows that she can’t say anything to you about. It just plain gets her goat!
9. Not putting your laundry in the hamper.
Reason I do it: Because I want to. When I get home from work, I begin shedding my shirt, and tie, and pants, and shoes as soon as I walk in the door. I’m not looking for the hamper, I’m looking for dinner (but we’ll get to that later)
Reason it pisses her off: I have no clue. She never does any f***ing laundry so I don’t want to get my stuff all wrinkly because I know I’ll have to wear it again.
8. Not helping her change the sheets on the bed.
Reason I do it: Have you ever seen a woman try to change sheets? Leave the room. She is going to huff, and puff, and flop, and struggle. And when you do offer to help, she tells you to “get out of the way you don’t know what you’re doing” but later on in the marriage, once you’ve learned that she won’t let you help, she gets pissed because you don’t help. WTF.
Reason it pisses her off: Because she has a vagina.
7. Complain because dinner isn’t ready when you get home and even worse, the menu hasn’t even been decided.
Reason I do it: For the obvious reason. When a man who works 12 hours a day (we covered the actual work time before) comes home he should have a steaming pile of food on the table. If I don’t have it I know the way the nights going to end up.
Reason it pisses her off: Because she believes that housework is work. LOL.
6. Don’t pay attention to her when she’s talking
Reason I do it: If you’re anything like me when you’re watching t.v. or surfing the web, you on that, and that alone. So when she speaks to me I literally will subconsciously respond and have absolutely no idea what either one of us are saying.
Reason it pisses her off: Because in her quest to make sure you never get a moment’s peace she can see that she is losing ground.
5. Complain that you don’t get enough “boo boo”.
Reason I do it: Because I’m a man. Enough “boo boo” to me is 4-17 times a day. Its all I think about, its all I want to do. Yeah we could go take a walk in the park. OR we could go take a walk in the park AND go into the woods for a quickie.
Reason it pisses her off: Because she thinks I’m unreasonable. She doesn’t realize that I’ve been dating my right hand for 26 years and we’re kind of on the outs right now.
4. Refuse to go to your in laws.
Reason I do it: I don’t do it. I love my in-laws. My mother in law’s cooking is EPIC we’re skipping this one.
Reason it pisses her off: Because I like her mom’s cooking so much and her mom loves that I love her cooking so much. I can’t f***ing win.
3. Act like your normal self in front of your friends
Reason I do it: Because I’m literally still a 16 year old kid when I get around my friends. Yes I still have to be loud and annoying how else is anyone going to pay attention to me in public? I know I should probably grow up but if 30 is the new 20 then 26 is the new 16.
Reason it pisses her off: Because she “can’t take me anywhere when my friends come along”. Again in her quest to make sure you never get a moment’s peace she’ll make sure you feel like a ding dong for laughing at a someone getting bit by a dog or something really hilarious.
2. Watch t.v. loudly.
Reason I do it: I don’t but to a woman anything above a whisper is a f***ing Motley Crue concert.
Reason it pisses her off: Because if the t.v. is too loud I might not be able to hear her ask me to do one of the many bogus things she asks me to. Such as, change the cat box, take out the trash, or change the channel Paula Dean is coming on food network.
1. Be alive. Breath. Exist.
Reason I do it: The reasons are obvious.
Reason it pisses her off: I’ve come to the realization that no matter what I do its going to piss this woman off. I will always hear about every little thing. You wanna know something? My wife goes APE SH*T if I ball my socks together when I take them off. This is the very same woman who also goes APE SH*T if I lose one of my socks. Wheres the logic?
Bottom line is I do love my wife, and its cute to write these things sometimes. I can’t wait for her to read this. I’ll let you guys know how the couch was tonight!
Disclaimer: This is in no way shape or form about my wife. I’m writing in a fictional generalized manner. *WINK*
Love and Regards,